


we fall apart as it gets dark

by lonelylesbian



Category: Smosh
Genre: Angst, F/F, Mutual Pining, Songfic, They Say Fuck, Unhappy Ending, like a lot, no beta we die like men, oh god so much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:27:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25782103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelylesbian/pseuds/lonelylesbian
Summary: /Courtney’s voice had sounded strained, almost breaking. Like she was about to start crying. Olivia prayed she wouldn't- she would have no idea what to say if she did./A Courtivia songfic to "i love you" by Billie Eilish. I don't write much, but I loved this idea a lot. (My writing isn't amazing or super long but I've got good punctuation and capitalization so)
Relationships: Courtney Miller/Olivia Sui, Olivia Sui & Shayne Topp
Kudos: 9





	we fall apart as it gets dark

**Author's Note:**

> please lmk if you see any spelling or grammatical errors, I speedwrote and speed-edited this so there may be some of those in there.

_ It's not true _

_ Tell me I've been lied to _

_ Crying isn't like you _

_ Oh-oh-oh _

\-----

The two of them sat there, surrounded by suffocating silence.

“I-” they say at the same time.

“No no no, you go-”

Silence.

Courtney’s voice had sounded strained, almost breaking. Like she was about to start crying. Olivia prayed she wouldn't- she would have no idea what to say if she did. 

\------

_ What the hell did I do? _

_ Never been the type to _

_ Let someone see right through _

_ Oh-oh-oh _

\------

“I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up…”

Courtney’s whispers were muffled by the pillow she had buried her face into.

“FUCK!” she screamed. Her stomach felt like she had been punched, and her makeup was a mess, and her brain was screaming at her and everything was sO MUCH-

\-------

_ Maybe won't you take it back _

_ Say you were tryna make me laugh _

_ And nothing has to change today _

_ You didn't mean to say "I love you" _

\-------

_“No, but like, how do ultrasounds even work? You hit the woman’s stomach with metal and the baby lights up?”_

_“It's not a pinball machine, Liv-”_

_“Honestly, I would be so down to have a baby with you. Like, you would be a great mom, and I love you, so…”_

_“Aw_ _! I love you too!”_

_ “Aw, really?” _

_ “Of course! I’m like, in love with you!” _

\--------

_ I love you and I don't want to _

_ Oh-oh-oh _

\---------

_ “What?” _

_ “No, wait, I don't! I don't love you!” _

_ “Oh.” _

_ “No no no shit I mean-” _

_ “Just… don't, Courtney. It's okay.” _

\-----

_Up all night on another red eye_

_I wish we never learned to fly_

_I-I-I_

\-----

Courtney stared out the airplane window. The cities below glittered like tiny stars, but she couldn't bring herself to appreciate it. It was four thirty AM, far too late for anyone to be awake, and yet there she was. Feeling like shit on an airplane to New York, the girl she loved, the one she told she didn't, asleep next to her. 

\-----

_ Maybe we should just try _

_ To tell ourselves a good lie _

\-----

“You okay?” said Olivia, woken by the sound of the fasten seat belt sign turning on.

“Huh?” 

“You look worried. Are you okay?”

“Oh, uh, yeah.” Courtney turned away from Olivia again. “The cities are so pretty.”

Olivia made a hum of agreement, going back to sleep. Her head slipped onto Courtney’s shoulder, the music from her headphones just barely audible to the sleepless girl next to her. Courtney stared down at the sleeping Olivia, swallowing down a sob.  _ They aren't nearly as pretty as you. _

\-----

_I didn't mean to make you cry_

_I-I-I_

\-----

Courtney and Olivia had barely spoken since Courtney’s Grand Fuckup, and she missed Olivia. She missed her laugh, and her weird habits, and her quiet intelligence, and god, she missed her smile. She would be damned if she never saw that smile again.

Taking a deep breath, Courtney pushed down on the hotel door handle, surprised to see that it was unlocked. She stepped inside, a hundred apologies building in her mind-

Only for them to die in her throat upon seeing Olivia sobbing on her bed, with Shayne quietly comforting her.

They looked up, and Courtney turned around without a word and left. 

_ I'm sorry, Olivia. _

\-----

_ Maybe won't you take it back _

_ Say you were tryna make me laugh _

_ And nothing has to change today _

_ You didn't mean to say "I love you" _

\-----

“Courtney, we need to talk.”

Olivia let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. 

“Fuck, that's not going to work.” she muttered at her reflection.

“Courtney, did you really mean you didn't love me? Or did you do mean you were in lo- no, too abrupt…” Olivia flopped down on her bed, covering her face with her hands. “I can't do this.”

\-----

_ I love you and I don't want to _

_ Oh-oh-oh _

\-----

The worst part was that there were only two outcomes: one, where they decide to forget about the whole thing, and Olivia would stew in her soup of sadness and unrequited love forever, and two, where they never speak again, and Olivia would stew in her soup of sadness and unrequited love forever.

Olivia laughed quietly, leaning on the railing of her room’s balcony. She stared at the cars rushing below her, their headlights beaming in the dark. The winter air was freezing around her, but it felt good. It felt like feeling something.

The New York air was so different. 

“Hey, Liv… want to go to Central Park?”

\-----

_ The smile that you gave me _

_ Even when you felt like dying _

\-----

“Isn't it closed?” 

“Technically, yes. But I know how to get in.”

And for what felt like the first time in forever, Olivia smiled at Courtney. 

\-----

_ We fall apart as it gets dark _

_ I'm in your arms in Central Park _

\-----

Courtney led Olivia up a huge rock, cold and flat and perfect for their conversation. Sirens wailed in the street, and some birds chirped. Courtney hadn't known they did that at 3 in the morning. 

“I'm cold,” said Olivia, breaking the silence.

“Oh. Uh, do you want my jacket?” 

“No.” Olivia laid down, motioning for Courtney to follow, then wrapped her arms around the taller girl. 

“Oh. Cool.”

The two lay there in silence. Above them, it started to snow.

\-----

_ There's nothing you could do or say _

_ I can't escape the way, I love you _

\-----

“Olivia, I…” Courtney’s voice broke. The snow was stinging her face, but it helped to hide her tears. “I love you. I love you so much and these last few weeks have been hell and I just want to be with you again and I’m so sorry I said what I said and I just don't know how much longer I could've gone without saying I love you.” 

“But are you in love with me?”

\-----

_ I don't want to, but I love you _

\-----

Courtney swallowed.  _ Yes. With all my heart, yes.  _ “...No.”

\-----

_ Oh-oh-oh _

_ Oh-oh-oh _

_ Oh-oh-oh _

_ Oh-oh-oh _

_ Oh-oh-oh _

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry


End file.
